Barney’s Hide and Seek Game for the Genesis.

You know, people always ask me, “Mark, how do you review video games?”

Well… I’ll show you.

Yeah. Where are we going? Come with me! Now!

You have to… okay, that’s better. God. Keep walking! No! My God. Get in the seat! Pick up the controller! Do it! Play party! Now! You have to find all your friends!

I don’t want to…

He loves you!

I didn’t do anything and I won!

Dance! This isn’t dancing.

You gotta win the game! WIN THE GAME! What is that child doing?

Let’s go up. We found a flower.

This is Barney’s Hide and Seek Game on the Sega Genesis, a game where you play as Barney, the purple dinosaur, in search of his lost friends. All of whom are obviously hiding in plain sight behind rocks and trees.

Here’s a bunny.

The fact that they even call this a game is misleading because that implies there’s gameplay—which there is not. There’s no objective except to walk around and find obvious things.

It’s not fun. It’s a complete waste of time.

It’s annoying. It’s awful. The Genesis doesn’t deserve this.

But Derek does. It’s only good for torture.

Please press a button when you find…

You’re my boy—that’s your friend.

I thought of something. Let’s go get Brandon and get him to play this game.

Please God. Yes. Let’s do that.

Let’s go get Brandon.

Brandon? Brandon? Hey Brandon.

Hey.

What’s up?

We’ve got the best game in the world for you to play.

Yeah?

Yeah. So put down your suit. Come play a game. It’s great.

Come on Brandon. Come on.

Come on Brandon! You’re gonna… it’s the best.

If you love your children and Sega Genesis, keep them far away from this game.

It’s awful.

And I’ve got a Classic Game Room shoutout and thank you to Dustin from West Caldwell, New Jersey.

The only thing Barney’s Hide and Seek Game is good for is inflicting pain on others.

Seriously, a two-year-old would be bored to tears with this crap.

And I don’t get why he blows creepy hearts and the music is terrible.

Why does Barney hate me?

It’s not a game-com game. It’s something much more… I mean better. Much better.

This sneak-and-peek thing—it’s not sneaking.

Don’t look at me. Don’t look at that. Look at me.

What am I looking at? I’m looking at the screen.

What you got in your ocean? Get to play this?

Is that what I get to do?

Not only do you get to play this—you get to play this for all eternity.

Oh wow! That sounds great!

Get the chains! Have fun!

Thanks.

A friend!

Hug the human! It’s a friend!

I love you.

Bye friend!

What do you think?

This is the happiest day of my life. I’m trying to kiss butterflies over here.

Come here.

Do I eat the hearts?

Are these children’s hearts?

I love friendship!

Yeah… I don’t know what we’re gonna do without him though. I really miss Brandon.

Oh, he’s not here. So we need a new Brandon.

Well… alright.

Is he qualified?

ED-209?

Oh yeah, he can do all kinds of things.

Based computer and edit.

Go edit Undertale.

Go Brandon now.

Brandon. You are Brandon.

Be Brandon.

Actually, he’s kind of acting like Brandon.

He’s already doing a better job than Brandon. I can’t really tell the difference.

Well done, Mark.

Well done, Derek.

We’ve killed another one.

Hey Brandon?

Brandon?

Hey, did you get that review posted for today?

The one that I did—did you post it?

Brandon?

Well if you could just do that today, at some point, that would be ideal.

Brandon?

I don’t see any way this won’t be success.