Welcome to Truxton. Today Classic Game Room has officially been banished from existence because I’m reviewing it. Because it has insulted me. More specifically, that douchebag who runs the show and always goes, “Truxton, Truxton, I love Truxton,” has only reviewed the Sega Genesis version. What? You’re too good to play the arcade game? You’re too good to play me? Well, I’ll show you, Mark. Let’s look at your silly little DVD. Oh look, there’s a beer on the cover. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh—no. No.

Welcome to Classic Game Room. I have successfully ripped out Truxton’s brain. And one of these dip switches gives it life. So let’s just turn that off. Okay, that should fix the problem. Here’s a close‑up look at the inner workings of Truxton, and I’m going to put this back into the machine. It’s a JAMMA board that plays in my Raiden II. So let’s enjoy some Truxton.

It’s one of the greatest games in existence. It’s one of my favorite games. Classic Game Room has changed because now Classic Game Room has Truxton. Hey Derek, we just got Truxton. Yeah. Hey, someone clean up this mess. The following review has been approved by Ethel, the cyborg ninja.

Your eyes do not deceive you. This is a Truxton arcade machine, which now resides in the Intergalactic Space Arcade. It is every bit as good as you think it is. But I will say this: the Sega Genesis version, or Mega Drive version, is about 80–85% as good as the arcade game. While Truxton must love the Sega Genesis, this game kicks serious ass when played the way it was meant to be played in the arcades in 1988.

Truxton is a vertical scrolling shooter from Toaplan that you absolutely must experience in its original form. The arcade version looks better, fills the entire screen, sounds sharper, and plays with that authentic arcade control feel. It’s challenging, rewarding, and physically demanding. Your hands will hurt, but in a good way.

You get three spaceships to choose from, each with its own weapon. The red spaceship fires a spread shot that covers a wide area. The blue spaceship fires lock‑on blue lasers that track enemies. The green one shoots a powerful green laser straight ahead. But I think the spread shot really covers your ass in Truxton—as much as anything can. The game is brutal.

I don’t have any side art on the machine, so what I’m going to do is put up this picture of Truxton, New York that some really nice fans gave me. Welcome to Truxton. Population: Truxton.

So you fly around, shoot enemies, and dodge alien laser blasts while collecting the peas for power‑ups. You need five of them to upgrade your weapons, and you lose your weapon upgrades when you’re destroyed. You also lose your speed upgrades. Truxton requires a lot of memorization and repeat gameplay. You’ve gotta know your enemy attack patterns and the alien boss laser patterns. Truxton is a ruthless, unforgiving game. There are no shields. You can’t take multiple hits. One shot and you’re dead. But it’s so incredibly fun and likeable that when this game showed up, it changed the universe forever.

The universe will never be the same because I’m about to drink a beer, listen to White Zombie, and play Truxton. The universe has changed because the universe is now better thanks to Truxton. And the beer helps too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to put myself into a euphoric state beyond imagination. The Truxton Bureau White Zombie Vision. The only downside is that now I have to manually switch the JAMMA cable between Truxton and Raiden II, but that’s a problem I’m happy to have. And this is a game that’s hard to resist. One of my favorites of all time.

And I have a monumental Classic Game Room shout‑out and thank you to send to Mark and Suzanne from Fresh Meadows, New York. Thank you for sending this incredibly generous gift. A JAMMA board like no other. It’s Truxton.

The arcade board gives you numerous options. You can adjust the difficulty, but they’re all hard. And you can change at what score you get extra lives. There’s even a two‑player option so you can take turns playing Truxton. If anyone is left.

Brandon, we just got Truxton. You want to play two‑player? So mean now. Cheers from Truxton. Behind the façade of this innocent‑looking arcade game lies Truxton. Woo.