Everybody, do you know what time it is? That’s right.

It’s time for Truxton 2! How convenient. There it is.

Saturday, and you know what that means—that’s right, kids, it’s time to sing along:

Truxton, Truxton, even more Truxton…
Spaceship, skull bomb… Truxton, Truxton…

I need to come up with a second verse.

Boy… now I’m out of skull bombs. Great. Another one of these things.

Cool.

These dumb cannons will get you when you’re not looking. You’ve gotta watch out for them. Taking a chance with those stupid crab robots…

If I can just get through this part, I can get to the E-boss…

Through it! Destroy this stupid crab robot! Get the points! Give it the finger! Let’s go!

Fingers are very important. In fact, let’s call in Bill Paxton.
Hey man, it’s Bill Paxton—what’s up? Extra moral support.

Yeah! Woohoo! Three skull bombs in your face and it blows up.

Now I can dance on camera. Spaceships of red, blue, and green—you can hear the alien ladies scream. We want Truxton! Truxton 2! Blahhhh! It’s a great song.

Give me the electrocution homing lasers. There it is.

If your choices are homing lasers and not homing lasers, I recommend homing lasers. Also, I recommend paying attention and not dying.

Other games that aren’t Truxton… suck.

Alright, so I’m not really going to have a career as a singer or apparently a professional Truxton player. God damn it—I liked my song.

Stupid aliens. How do I know I’m actually fighting aliens? Maybe these are Zevians. They’re the real humans. Which makes them aliens.

Die, Zevians!

You fly onto the screen, you blow me up, and you expect me to like it? Well… I don’t. Actually, I kinda do.

Tchoo!

You know what would make this game better? If the enemies screamed after you killed them. Maybe they can patch that in. Truxton 2 Scream Kit. Season 2 DLC pass.

That would enhance the game greatly.

I changed my mind—I’m going with the homing lasers. The green spread shot looks cool, but it’s not very effective against larger enemies. And it fills up the screen so much you can’t see anything.

So yeah—homing lasers.

That way I don’t have to aim. They do the aiming for me. Then I look good on the internet. Which of course I don’t—but you know.

A for effort.

This guy’s gonna drive his little truck out of the garage and immediately get blown up. That’s a rude awakening, right? He thinks he’s going to work, opens the garage door, backs out his space truck, and I’m just sitting there waiting with a homing laser.

You suck.

I kick Xevians to the curb like it’s my job—because it is my job. Walk into my homing lasers and die.

Feel judgment. It’s retribution for everything you’ve done wrong to me. Like blowing up my ship countless times in Xevious.

There are other things I could be doing right now—but those things aren’t playing Truxton 2, so I’m not doing them.

But Mark, your kids need picked up. They’ll be alright.

I’m not talking because I’m concentrating.

Wasted another skull bomb—that’s not good. I need my precious skull bombs for the end boss. Because I am notoriously bad at end boss battles.

And video games in general, really. One wonders why I do this, considering I’m so terrible at them.

I do like them though. They’re fun.

What makes me sad is knowing that some people aren’t playing Truxton 2 right now. Not that sad—because I am.

You really need your weapons powered up at this point in the game.

Woo! Skull bomb that I didn’t even need to use, but I did anyway because I’m not paying attention.

Die, aliens without names! What are your names? I feel like we should name them. I’m gonna call this guy Scott.

Why is Scott shooting at me? Damn it, Scott.

Alright, I’m gonna try an unorthodox strategy here. I cannot get past this part.

Because I keep running out of skull bombs.

Well guess who’s got more skull bombs now?

That’s right—this guy.

I’ve got all the skull bombs in the world now… nope, I ran out again.

I’m gonna put a Rebel cop on top of the truck’s Tintoon machine for good luck. Stay out of trouble.

Woo! It only took two ships and trucks to get through that.

I’m kind of pleased with myself for coming up with this. When quarters don’t matter, you gotta do what you gotta do to win.

In Truxton too. That rhymes.

The only thing that could make Ambervision glasses better is if I was giving myself a haircut with a Flowbee at the same time after using the Clapper.

That’s for the Gen Xers out there.