I am an FBI agent.

Engage disco.

And here we are at Vellum Fermentation in the South Side, down in Pittsburgh. Let’s go play some pinball. Brought my camera.

Excuse me, sir, do you know where I can find some pinball machines “I think inside that door to the right.” Thank you.

So here at Vellum Fermentation in Pittsburgh, which has three of my favorite things in the entire world: beer, pinball, and the thing where you can put your beer on the pinball machine. Look at that. It’s very important.

Now that I have my beer safely secured and attached to the pinball machine, it’s time to play John Wick Pinball. The only problem is, I don’t really know the John Wick movies well enough to just quote them left and right, but I did watch Predator last night. So that’s gonna have to suffice. Get to the choppa.

Fall‑in‑position situation. I have to admit, and I’m sure this will come as no shock to anybody, but I totally have a crush on her. I don’t know who this girl is. Who’s this doofus What did he do to deserve being there What’s with the collared shirt I should be in this picture. You know what I got an idea. Check this out.

That’s what I’m talking about. I think that guy actually looks way cooler than I do.

What’s the better movie, John Wick or Red Dawn Red Dawn. There you go. I didn’t even think that’s close. It’s not close. I just had to check. It’s the original Red Dawn, right They remade it Why do they keep doing that I like the force‑moves he’s got going on there. It’s like he’s mind‑controlling you or something. Does he ever wash his hair

It’s kinda greasy. Welcome back to Classic Game Room, coming to you from Vellum Fermentation today, fighting for freedom over rocks and tundra. John Wick Pinball is there to kick your ass and buy your Emmy—my ass. This game’s fun, and this beer’s delicious. Good times are going to be ahead. If it bleeds, we can kill it.

John Wick Pinball, based on the John Wick movies. There’s a bunch of them, and I’ve seen them each at least once, because while they’re okay, that time could be spent watching John Woo’s Hard Boiled, which is basically the same thing except better. Because nothing is better than Hard Boiled. Except maybe Predator. That’s a close one. But for some inexplicable reason, there’s not a Predator pinball machine, even though there’s a John Wick pinball machine. Stern, come on.

Let’s go. This is always one of my favorite shots.

So I saw Bill and Ted in the theater like a thousand years ago. I would not have pegged Keanu to be the action star of the 2020s. I would not have guessed that.

What’s next Are they gonna make a Barbie pinball machine Nobody gives a shit about Barbie. We want Predator. You are one ugly motherfucker. Multiball.

So what do you do in this pinball machine Well, like most of these games, you aim for the blinky things and score big points and then eventually run out of money. And it’s fun. And it’s based on John Wick. So if you like John Wick, then woo, look at this. There it is. But if you don’t like John Wick, it’s still a fun pinball machine. It’s very fast. This is a very difficult pinball machine. Anyone who’s played this will say the same thing. All of the ramps are tight. The ball just barely fits up these ramps.

Your aim has to be—well, I was going to say as good as John Wick’s, but it doesn’t matter if John Wick actually hits anything he’s shooting at, because apparently he just has Deadpool’s regeneration ability. The Winston ramp is kicking my ass. Winston does not love me, but do you know who does The girls from Baywatch. What’s up.

John Wick vs. David Hasselhoff and Knight Rider. Like Kit would just back over John Wick and John Wick would mumble some one‑liner and everybody would love him. Yay, he’s a hero. I miss the days when he would at least admit that he’s an FBI agent. “But you killed my dog.” “But you dented Knight Rider’s bumper.” You heartless bitch. If only I was at a brewery.

Oh, I am.

I like the color palette on the John Wick pinball machine. It’s got a Neo‑Tokyo mixed with Miami Vice vibe and that’s very cool. It’s a very attractive game and super fast. It’ll take you a while to figure this one out. This is not a game for beginners. There’s no learning curve. You just die instantly, like you were one of the nameless minions facing off against John Wick. Like I’m Ensign Johnson being beamed down to the planet with Kirk and Spock. I’m not coming back alive.

As one might expect, you complete a bunch of John Wick missions by hitting the ramps, which are challenging to begin with. You battle a bunch of John Wick enemies. I don’t know any of their names. Love that guy. Multiball. John Wick rolls. I am an FBI agent.

Thanks to Doug for helping with the John Wick pinball machine.

Pittsburgh pinball and all of these great games at Vellum and at Coop DeVille and Shorty’s in the North Side. When you’re playing Doug’s machines, you’re helping Doug, and Doug is awesome because Doug knows that Red Dawn is a better movie than John Wick, and that’s really all that matters. If you can just pass that simple test, you’re on my good side.

Check it out, John Wick Pinball from Stern. Thanks for watching Classic Game Room, celebrating 25 years this year. What year is this Wolverines. So I’m pushing 50 these days. I gotta tell you, the key to staying alive and being in good health is beer and pinball. It’s scientifically proven. Don’t believe what anybody else tells you. Beer and pinball is the fountain of youth. Dutch. Blaine. Billy. Mac. That’s their names.

Doug took the glass off for me, so thank you Doug, I appreciate that. But I do have a question: is that a real gin and tonic in the Big Lebowski machine, and can I have it “Yes it is.” “No you can’t.”

That looks so good.

Put that back in play.